I don’t know if I’m the last person to realize this or not but I am not ready – at all – to resume life as I knew it before Craig fell on April 24.
I only unpacked my suitcase on Sunday! Not because I was expecting to have to go anywhere fast, just because my psyche has just ground to a halt – and my cleaner was coming today.
On my best days I do not eat well. On my best days I have to put my medications somewhere where I will fall over them, lest I forget to take them and develop drug resistance. These have not been my best days so I have been unintentionally playing Russian roulette with my health.
The passion I have for politics, social justice and so much more in life is, for now, muted – the flame weak.
Living alone allows me to be somewhat unaccountable for days at a time. So I’m fessing up here and now.
I need a break from politics, for starters. I cannot imagine sitting at the membership desk for the provincial nomination meeting. I cannot imagine volunteering for our Pride outreach. I cannot say how long I will need to be disengaged. Maybe by the time the provincial election rolls around I will be ready to come back. Just a hunch.
I need to reconnect with some professionals, and friends, as soon as possible to help me get back to being somewhat functional where I might be less inclined to try and keep up a facade.
There. No more “I’m okay ,thanks” from Kenn until I’m actually feeling a little more okay.
I escaped, spiritually, today in a tour of the newly designed Royal Ontario Museum. I will post as many pictures as I can. That tour seemed like something I could handle, even being somewhat unshaved though I was. So I hand in my gay card for a few days…big deal!
The best way to help me right now, probably, is to challenge me when I repeat, “I’m okay.” Please ask me for evidence.
Now that that’s out, I’m going to have a little cry.