Sleepwalking through the start of a meltdown


Hello everyone:

I don’t know if I’m the last person to realize this or not but I am not ready – at all – to resume life as I knew it before Craig fell on April 24.

I only unpacked my suitcase on Sunday! Not because I was expecting to have to go anywhere fast, just because my psyche has just ground to a halt – and my cleaner was coming today.

On my best days I do not eat well. On my best days I have to put my medications somewhere where I will fall over them, lest I forget to take them and develop drug resistance. These have not been my best days so I have been unintentionally playing Russian roulette with my health.

The passion I have for politics, social justice and so much more in life is, for now, muted – the flame weak.

Living alone allows me to be somewhat unaccountable for days at a time. So I’m fessing up here and now.

I need a break from politics, for starters. I cannot imagine sitting at the membership desk for the provincial nomination meeting. I cannot imagine volunteering for our Pride outreach. I cannot say how long I will need to be disengaged. Maybe by the time the provincial election rolls around I will be ready to come back. Just a hunch.

I need to reconnect with some professionals, and friends, as soon as possible to help me get back to being somewhat functional where I might be less inclined to try and keep up a facade.

There. No more “I’m okay ,thanks” from Kenn until I’m actually feeling a little more okay.

I escaped, spiritually, today in a tour of the newly designed Royal Ontario Museum. I will post as many pictures as I can. That tour seemed like something I could handle, even being somewhat unshaved though I was.  So I hand in my gay card for a few days…big deal!

The best way to help me right now, probably, is to challenge me when I repeat, “I’m okay.” Please ask me for evidence.

Now that that’s out, I’m going to have a little cry.

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6 thoughts on “Sleepwalking through the start of a meltdown

  1. Kind Sir…

    Please be advised that life goes on and that you might have needed this downtime to gather some steam. It has been a rough few weeks, I know. But your health is important to me. You Must Rest, Eat and Take your pills. I do make house calls you know, so be forewarned!!!

    We all deal with life differently and I think that you know where you stand and you do what you need to do to get that little flame burning a bit brighter. A little rest, and some food (read:fuel) will help.

    Take care of you, FIRST!

    Luv
    Jeremy

  2. Thanks Jeremy. Yes it’s not like grief has not been experienced by so many others. I just hit a wall and now must look after myself better before I do irreversible damage – the last thing I want to happen!

    Kenn

  3. Email anytime you need to,want to,about anything,about nothing.You don`t need to be ok.Hug your cat.Remember the tire swing.Eat,take care of yourself.A long lost cousin who cares.I`ll be thinking about you.
    Take care of you!

  4. Thank you Cous’. I’m not the pillar I’d like to think I am sometimes. Craig would want me to keep going, look after myself, and keep my heart and body healthy.

    What I remember vividly from past experiences with grief – mine and others’ – is that feelings are real, nothing to try to tidy up and there are no ways around this, only through it.

    Thanks again Jamie!

  5. I’m crazy about you enough to say:

    Cut the crap and make sure you take the medicine.

    Other than that you can play in your own poop as much as you like. Just take your medicine. Everything else is optional… for now.

    And eating a little wouldn’t kill ya either.

    Much love,
    Housewife

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