Fussin’, ‘fessin’ and feelin’ (better)

The drug holiday hasn’t been as long this time. I just hope, as my specialist said the first time, that I still have “horseshoes up (my) ass” (medical-speak for good fortune) with no irreversible consequences.

No doubt there’s a reason my blogging hasn’t been as prolific as usual lately.

I cracked open some fear and shame today and told a group of peers that I have been taking another (unsupervised thus far) meds ‘holiday’ and needed to get back to some good old medical supervision.  Fortunately (for me, you and even the most casual contacts) I have maintained use of my head meds and have already resumed my type-2 diabetes treatments.  However, until I ‘fess up to my doctors, it’s not a good idea to just re-start my HIV drugs as if I knew what I was doing.

The first steps, getting blood work done and making appointments to see said doctors, begins NOW.

It started, or stopped in this case, earlier this year when I was floored by what seemed like a never-ending chest thing going on (we’re I’m talking New Year’s to at least St. Patrick’s Day).  During this time my appetite was next to nil, making it difficult to be motivated  – let alone consistent – with anything.  For reasons I would peg on not wanting to leave my apartment and be in public, such as in medical settings, I paradoxically sought no help from my doctors – so the ‘drug holiday’ was solely my idea.  It has continued to this day.

I have avoided doing anything about it.  I must say that it has been coverage (one has to really look for it, mind you, particularly in the mainstream media) of the International AIDS Conference in Vienna that has been a prime motivator.  Seeing studies presented, reaffirming how well people like me who’ve been on a HAART cocktail are doing, effectively guilted me into seeing how foolish it was of me to be denying myself fully available treatments that all too many are still waiting for.  There may have been deeper reasons or excuses at play as well, too – self-worth, apathy and certainly avoidance – but the time is right to get back on track.

Thanks to that group of peers for listening today.  It was very good to give voice to my angst, shame and even some hope and, by making myself accountable to them, I am ready to resume as full a life as I can dare to have.


9 thoughts on “Fussin’, ‘fessin’ and feelin’ (better)

  1. jeremy

    You know we live on borrowed time. And you are jerking around with your life not taking meds as needed. You should know better. I don’t think I need to expound on the warnings of drug holidays, we’ve all heard it before. Not taking your diabetes meds will KILL you too.

    I am in the same boat. But I take my pills every day, regardless of how I feel.

    Not very sober thinking is it?

    Get back on track.


  2. Quiet recluse

    Hi, Kenn–
    Sometimes intuition can be your best friend, not what the majority of other patients is doing or not doing, no disrespect to your doctors’ opinions after working of your specific case or to outsiders like myself and other blog responders.
    I personally have been through 5 different cocktails. Four in the the initial two and a half years of my diagnosis and just this past spring, the fifth & most recent & short-lived foray into HAART. My body does not accept the treatments without being in constant discomfort & pain & affliction of an immense torrent of side effects. I have been bed-ridden & have had to discontinue working while filling my immune system stronger with the cocktails. So, it’s such a personal decision to not do the meds. Most of you dudes and chicks are not affected by the meds, lucky kids. But there are some of us who are merely breathing and experience no quality of life when taking the meds, for some reason.
    And Kenn, you do with your body what you decide to do! We are all on borrowed time.
    Kenn, we are lucky to have you blog all your shtuff to the rest of us. I just found you today. You have a brave heart, to open all that you feel & see & know. You are doing your best everyday, as we are. See you next time, baby.

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