Fussin’, ‘fessin’ and feelin’ (better)

The drug holiday hasn’t been as long this time. I just hope, as my specialist said the first time, that I still have “horseshoes up (my) ass” (medical-speak for good fortune) with no irreversible consequences.

No doubt there’s a reason my blogging hasn’t been as prolific as usual lately.

I cracked open some fear and shame today and told a group of peers that I have been taking another (unsupervised thus far) meds ‘holiday’ and needed to get back to some good old medical supervision.  Fortunately (for me, you and even the most casual contacts) I have maintained use of my head meds and have already resumed my type-2 diabetes treatments.  However, until I ‘fess up to my doctors, it’s not a good idea to just re-start my HIV drugs as if I knew what I was doing.

The first steps, getting blood work done and making appointments to see said doctors, begins NOW.

It started, or stopped in this case, earlier this year when I was floored by what seemed like a never-ending chest thing going on (we’re I’m talking New Year’s to at least St. Patrick’s Day).  During this time my appetite was next to nil, making it difficult to be motivated  – let alone consistent – with anything.  For reasons I would peg on not wanting to leave my apartment and be in public, such as in medical settings, I paradoxically sought no help from my doctors – so the ‘drug holiday’ was solely my idea.  It has continued to this day.

I have avoided doing anything about it.  I must say that it has been coverage (one has to really look for it, mind you, particularly in the mainstream media) of the International AIDS Conference in Vienna that has been a prime motivator.  Seeing studies presented, reaffirming how well people like me who’ve been on a HAART cocktail are doing, effectively guilted me into seeing how foolish it was of me to be denying myself fully available treatments that all too many are still waiting for.  There may have been deeper reasons or excuses at play as well, too – self-worth, apathy and certainly avoidance – but the time is right to get back on track.

Thanks to that group of peers for listening today.  It was very good to give voice to my angst, shame and even some hope and, by making myself accountable to them, I am ready to resume as full a life as I can dare to have.